Sunday, December 27, 2009

the walls.

Maybe, I think too much. I was having coffee with a good friend and she asked me if I'm okay with that. With thinking. Thinking as an activity. Not having to do anything... just thinking.
I am.
In fact, I prefer it sometimes.
I think and think and think... but then when i'm expected to share with some people what i've been thinking... It's difficult to respond. I can't form words to tell them what's been going on in my head. It's especially hard when people don't know anything about you. They don't know what effects me more than someone else. What feels like rejection to me.. but isn't to someone else.

Today i've been considering what it means to lose faith. unbelief. A book i'm reading says: "to have faith, by definition, is to pray and keep on praying and never lose heart in prayer." I've realized something about myself... sometimes i go through these periods of losing heart. I think everyone does at some point or other. I've come back home this time... still feeling defeated from Thanksgiving and conversations post-thanksgiving. The little optimism I could muster has been matched by a lack of change. Finding things the same as always. Unchanged. All i've offered have been half-hearted prayers... more focusing my attentions to how I can escape. Maybe I have lost faith. ... Sitting in the room that I've enjoyed so much time with the Lord. Feeling stuck in a situation I didn't ask for. You don't really get to chose the situation your born into eh?

It seems like everything else going on is now amplified. Stepping out of the routine lets you look at things from the outside perspective a little bit... I've noticed things that I want to change... but is it fair for me to ask for change? You can't expect a person to change who they are... can you? If I don't expect someone to change then I guess I have to do what I don't want to do...

Here I am. insecure. looking for affirmation. tears flowing. Door shut. blanket over my head. hiding. Trying to distance myself from anything getting close. wanting my friend that understands me the most.. well wanting to be where she is. Trying to discern what's me finding a reason to push away and what's actually me realizing the picture isn't perfect. It never is though... there's always a piece of hair sticking up. the guy in the background lookin strange. the pair of eyes not looking at the camera. Someone missing. red eyes. If it's not perfect which parts are we supposed to accept and which ones aren't acceptable.

I know you might not follow this. Don't worry about it. I'm just thinking again. I guess I should put on a happy face and go to the movies.

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