Wednesday, April 28, 2010

To Recompose Amelia

I've had many thoughts that I wanted to write about in the last few weeks. My retention of these thoughts has been at a minimum. By the time I sit down somewhere with my hood up to write to you, the thought is gone. Buried by 50 others like it.

This monday was the last night of Freshley. I'm in shock it's been a full year... well sort of. It's been a very very long year. A tough year.
I learned a bit about relationships this year (of all sorts... ). They all take work. A lot of work. A person was not meant to invest themselves heavily in more than a few people - I understand why. I believe I've tried to invest in too many people. Too many relationships.
So much that I feel fragmented myself.
I do not have the ability to have a relationship, focus on repairing 20 years of damage to two relationships, have myself completely available in two regions of Georgia at once, maintain all closer relationships from the previous year, and make new ones. Without destroying myself.
I feel destroyed right now. & to think I am just talking about people relationships. Throw in school, work, finances, hobbies, volunteering, and mentoring. destroyed.

The former composition of Amelia no longer exists. It is time to recompose. Untie myself from some things. Be okay with a lack of depth and commitment to certain arenas. It is time to

The definition of recompose is to compose again or differently. I think the key word is differently. With giving myself to so many areas I am changed. I am not the same. It is a good thing. Yet, bringing together so many changed pieces makes for a very difficult puzzle. It is important to find where they all fit. It is important to evaluate the picture of what the puzzle is supposed to look like when putting it together. I must be able to determine if the piece in my hand is one from the puzzle i'm working on - or if it belongs to another box.

It is time to recompose. To look at the picture on the box and see where the pieces go:

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